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THE KNUCKLER
Atlanta Braves Cy Young knuckleballer R.A. Dickey's faith story has been as unpredictable as the pitch that's
made his career prosper.

By Joshua Cooley, fca.org

  "Save me, O God! For the waters have come up to my neck. I sink in deep mire, where there is no foothold; I have come into deep waters, and the flood sweeps over me. I am weary with my crying out; my throat is parched. My eyes grow dim with waiting for my God." -
Psalm 69:1-3 (ESV)

  The muddy, rushing waters washed over the nearly lifeless body. It sank into the murky depths - a dirty, chaotic baptism of death.
  It was June 9, 2007, and R.A. Dickey had hit rock bottom in every way - spiritually, relationally and vocationally. His marriage and professional baseball career were both on life support, and the emotional baggage of a traumatic childhood felt like a millstone around his neck, dragging him into a spiritual abyss.

  Dickey, a 32-year-old career minor leaguer at the time, had jumped into the Missouri River in a moment of impulsive, ill-fated hubris to prove a silly point to himself and some teammates, believing he could cross the great divide. But the river's strong currents and undertow are no respecters of persons or situations, and soon he was sinking. Then his feet hit bottom.
  Impossible to sink any lower. Nowhere to go but up. Something to push off from.
   So he pushed.
   Dickey didn't die that day. As he re-emerged from the darkness, a saving hand extended toward him. One of his teammates, Grant Balfour, had tracked him for hundreds of yards along the riverbank.
  The two hands interlocked. New life.
  God mercifully saved Dickey from himself - and not for the first time, either. The Almighty's plan for Dickey did not involve a drowned corpse washing ashore in Council Bluffs, Iowa. No, it involved an incredible rebirth in all respects - personally and professionally. It involved a vibrant faith, a wonderful family, a best-selling memoir, a Cy Young Award, and much more.
  "Only God's imagination," Dickey says now, "can script a story like mine."

 The Nightmares of 1983 - Robert Allen Dickey was born on Oct. 29, 1974, exactly five months after his parents, Harry and Leslie, were married in Nashville, Tenn. For many years, life was hand-to-mouth. (And fork-to-pocket. Once, to furnish their dining table, Dickey's parents relieved the local Western Sizzlin of some of its silverware.)
  Leslie and Harry struggled to make ends meet, their living conditions were far from ideal, and the marriage collapsed before R.A. turned 5.
  Over the years, Harry became less involved in his son's life, while Leslie sank into alcoholism. For R.A. and his younger sister, life was anything but harmonious in the Music City.
  But the worst was yet to come.
  In the summer of 1983, when Dickey was 8, a 13-year-old female babysitter sexually abused him about a half-dozen times. Later that September, an older teenage boy molested Dickey behind a rundown garage. The horrific assaults changed Dickey's life forever.
  "One of the things that happens when you're abused, you feel less than human," he said in an interview with I Am Second. "For me, that's what I felt like. 'Do I even matter?' "Why should I be here?' 'If that can happen to me, then I surely must be less than an ant.' All my [life] was built on trying to forget it, not tell anybody."
  Dickey was terrified and confused. How do you describe the overwhelming feelings of sadness, guilt, shame, inadequacy, loneliness, filthiness and anger that wash over you like sewer water?
  Dickey didn't know how. He thought sharing his terrible secrets with others would only bring more hurt, disgrace and rejection. So he padlocked them deep within his soul for the next 23 years.
  Says Dickey now: "It's the great lie the devil wants to perpetrate on us."

  Hope Blooms - In seventh grade, Dickey met a boy named Bo Bartholomew at his school. Soon, Bartholomew invited Dickey to an FCA Huddle and later to his house.
  Dickey soaked in the gospel message he heard at the Fellowship of Christian Athletes meetings and marveled at the love and stability he saw in the Bartholomews' Christian household - a far cry from his dysfunctional upbringing. Later that year, Dickey put his faith in the Lord.
 
I felt like He had a stronghold in my heart from then on," Dickey says. "Whether I always pursued that was something else, but He always pursued me."
  Then, of course, there was Anne, Bo's younger sister. From the moment he saw her and her long, blond hair, Dickey was smitten. Anne, on the other hand, remembers thinking R.A. was "goofy."
  "He told me in seventh grade that he wanted to grow up and play baseball and marry me," says Anne, who wed Dickey in 1997.
  Dickey earned state prep player of the year honors as a senior in 1993, became an All-American at the University of Tennessee, and a Team USA starter during the 1996 Olympics in Atlanta. That same year, the Texas Rangers made the 6-foot-3 fireballer the 18th overall draft pick.
  Dickey quickly agreed to the Rangers' $810,000 signing bonus offer - an astronomical figure for a kid who grew up using five-finger-discount silverware. All that remained was a physical examination before signing the contract.
  But X-rays revealed a staggering anomaly: Dickey's flame-throwing right arm had no ulnar collateral ligament (UCL), the elbow tissue that connects the humerus and ulna bones. The Rangers reduced their offer to $75,000.
  Dickey was crushed. But he had never been a quitter, and thus began a baseball odyssey of Homeric proportions. For the first 14 years of his career, Dickey was the quintessential baseball nomad, a spirit on a seemingly endless quest to break free from the netherworld between Triple-A and the big leagues. Over his career, he and Anne have lived in more than 30 places, including Florida, Oklahoma, Texas, Washington, Minnesota, New York and Toronto.
  While R.A. plied his trade, Anne took all sorts of jobs - from senior citizen aerobics teacher to bookstore clerk - to help make ends meet.
 "Those early years, I'm thankful for the journey," Anne says. "We learned how to survive and be optimistic."
  In 2001, Dickey finally made his major league debut with Texas at age 26 but quickly got optioned back after four unsuccessful relief appearances. By April 2005, he was at a career crossroads. Both his fastball velocity and confidence were fading. The Rangers presented Dickey with a choice: become a knuckleballer or stay in the minor leagues ad infinitum.
  At that point, Dickey was 30 years-old with a wife, two young kids and a 5.48 ERA in 72 career major league appearances. The choice was clear: Knuckleball, here we come.

  Failure and Forgiveness - After the 2005 season, Dickey spent lots of time with former knuckleballer Charlie Hough, who won 216 games in a career that spanned a quarter century. (Dickey later sought the advice of fellow knuckleballers Tim Wakefield and Braves legend Phil Niekro, a Hall of Famer.) Hough helped Dickey learn the nuances of the knuckleball, a slow pitch that is only effective when the ball doesn't spin. A knuckleballer's greatest weapon is the sheer unpredictability of the ball each time it leaves his hand.
  Dickey made the 2006 Rangers roster as a starter, but he gave up six home runs in his only major league start that year. Texas demoted him the next day.
  Emotionally and spiritually, Dickey had reached rock-bottom. Both his career and marriage were floundering. In his troubled, unhealthy state, he committed marital infidelity.
  Wracked with guilt and shame, Dickey contemplated suicide, once even rigging a car to asphyxiate himself with exhaust fumes. Ultimately, he never turned the key. In 2007, God again preserved Dickey's life during his ill-fated foray into the Missouri River. As Dickey writes in his 2012 memoir, "Wherever I Wind Up."
  "The Missouri may not be holy water and people may not go there to be baptized and seek absolution of their sins, but nobody can tell me that God didn't use it to humble me and help me and recharge my faith and reset my focus. I jumped in to prove my worth and failed spectacularly, but wound up with one of the greatest gifts of my life. What a deal. What a day - the day God's grace showed me how to stop clinging ... and start living."
  God's love is a redemptive love. It's a love that showers broken sinners with compassion and unmerited favor. It's a love that sacrifices greatly for the good of another.
  This is the kind of love Anne Dickey ultimately showed her wayward husband.
  "When my son [Eli, now 10 years-old] was born in the midst of that, I said, 'He looks just like his daddy,'" Anne recalls. "That was so redemptive to me, and I was thinking, 'He needs a dad.' God is big enough to repair our marriage and give our son what my husband didn't have [growing up]. It was all God saying, 'I've got you. I'm here for you.' ... Things don't get better with divorce."
  The Dickeys' healing process was years in the making. R.A. began meeting with his pastor, Carter Crenshaw, and a local Christian therapist named Stephen James. In one of his counseling sessions with James, Dickey finally opened up about his sexual abuse history. The admission brought a wave of emotional liberation. Slowly, the thick, protective walls Dickey had built around his soul were beginning to crumble.
  Meanwhile, he was still attempting to master a particularly persnickety pitch. He cycled through three more organizations before signing with the New York Mets as a free agent in December 2009.
  Five weeks into the 2010 season, the then 35-year-old proved to be a revelation for the Mets, going 11-9 with a 2.84 ERA in 27 games. He performed well the following season too.
  Then came 2012.

 Reaching the Summit - Four years and seven months after he sank to abysmal depths in the Missouri River, Dickey reached astounding heights.
  In January 2012, Dickey crested Mount Kilimanjaro to raise awareness for the Bombay Teen Challenge, a non-profit that fights human trafficking in India. As he stood atop Africa's highest peak, he surveyed God's breathtaking creation at 19,336 feet and felt his Creator telling him, "This world is much, much bigger than you."
  Three months later, his book was published during the opening week of the season. It is a startlingly candid, introspective account in which he pulls back the curtain on all the dark corners of his life.
  He ends one chapter like this:
  "Once I kept secrets and hid and ran from the truth and ran from intimacy. Now I am about as close as you can get to being an open book, feeling called by God to tell the truth and be authentic and love my wife and children with everything this imperfect man can summon. Once I lived in almost terminal shame, knowing why but never wanting to unpack it. Now I live in God's mercy and I want to unpack everything, no matter how messy and hurtful it can be. (The unpacking, ultimately, includes this book.) Do you think it's a coincidence that when I was finally able to stop hiding as a human being, I also stopped hiding as a pitcher? I don't."
  That season, at age 37, Dickey became the first knuckleballer to win a Cy Young Award. He went 20-6 with a 2.73 ERA, leading the National League in innings pitched (233.2), strikeouts (230), complete games (five) and shutouts (three).
  Dickey - an English literature major at Tennessee who quotes Hemingway, Socrates and Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu in his book - views his knuckleball in allegorical terms.
  "It's a really good metaphor" for his life, he says. "I can be mechanically perfect, but when I release it, I have to surrender to the outcome. I wanted to control everything. When I couldn't, I would spiral down to these places where no one wanted to come. With the knuckleball, you really have to surrender that. When it leaves your hand, it could do a million different things. You have to trust you're not in control. I was trying to control a pitch I can't. That goes deep down the rabbit hole."
  Capitalizing on Dickey's rising value that offseason, the Mets traded him in a seven-player swap to Toronto. Since then, Dickey has been mostly steady, if unspectacular, for the Blue Jays. He finished with identical 14-13 records in 2013 and 2014 but started 2015 slowly, posting a 2-6 record and a 5.53 ERA through his first 11 starts. Last season he finished 10-15 with a 4.46 ERA.
  "I was trying not to panic," says Dickey, a typically slow starter. "But at the same time, you want answers. The only thing with answers, you have to be patient and work hard in between starts. Once I get into a rhythm, I get better. It's just like my spiritual life: Can I be consistent?"
  He considered retiring. That was before Niekro and Bobby Cox started calling.
  The Braves entered this offseason looking to rebuild their starting rotation with veteran arms who were willing to accept a short-term deal and essentially serve as a bridge toward the club's future. Dickey was looking for a chance to pitch a little closer to home.
  The 42 year-old agreed to a one-year, $7.5 million deal that includes an $8 million club option with a $500,000 buyout for the 2018 season. The former National League Cy Young Award winner will now have a chance to extend his career while playing just a few hours away from his family residence in Nashville, Tenn.
  "I've grown up a Braves fan and have always admired the organization," said the Nashville native who attended the University of Tennessee. "So having the opportunity to play for the team that I grew up watching in Nashville when TBS was really the only channel we had is really an honor. ... I'm happy to be part of the organization because I feel we have a chance to be competitive in a very competitive division."
  Dickey is at an age when most major leaguers have traded their cleats for golf clubs. Yet, if anyone in baseball has found a fountain of youth, it's knuckleballers.
  But just because Dickey can keep pitching doesn't mean he will.
  "How far I think I can go and how far I'm going to go are probably different," he says. "I don't know when I'm going to hang it up, but I feel like my body can go until then. My family has endured a lot."
  Dickey has experienced amazing highs, terrifying lows and everything in between. Who else has overcome the horrors of sexual abuse, 14 seasons of minor league exile, a complete pitching overhaul, marital crises and suicidal thoughts to become a best-selling author, a 37-year-old Cy Young winner and, most importantly, a maturing Christian, devoted husband and loving father of four?
  You just can't script this stuff - well, actually, yes, you can. Hollywood is currently adapting "Wherever I Wind Up" for the silver screen. In fact, Dickey and fellow knuckleballer Tim Wakefield both appeared in the 2012 film, "Knuckleball."
  Dickey, though, is taking everything in stride. He sees divine fingerprints all over his incredible life story.
  "Yeah, I am amazed - and I'm not" Dickey says. "I know that sounds funny. I feel loved, sure, and His grace is abundant in my life, but I also feel a responsibility. He's given me things to do. It makes me feel like a tool in a good sense of the word, like He's using me to make a difference this side of eternity. I feel a real purpose in that. That's just His way. It also helps me to believe in a God that big. I'm never hopeless."

~ from fca.org ~ 

 
R.A. Dickey with
his wife and four kids
last season in Toronto

   R.A. Dickey's Charity Work

  R.A. Dickey has made helping others an important part of his life. His first charity work was running Honoring the Father Ministries. The faith-based charity provides food, medical supplies, and sports equipment to poor communities in Latin America.

  After the 2011 season, against the wishes of the New York Mets organization, Dickey climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro in Tanzania. The inherent risks of mountain climbing, combined with the wording of Dickey's baseball contract, meant that if he were injured, he would've been cut from the team and lost his $4.25 million 2012 salary. Undaunted by this possibility, Dickey climbed 19,341 feet to reach Uhuru Peak, the highest point in Africa. His efforts raised awareness and over $130,000 for the Bombay Teen Challenge. This organization rescues and cares for human trafficking victims in India.

  India has one of the highest rates of human trafficking in the world. In particular, the sex trade of Mumbai (Bombay) ravages the Indian youth. It has been estimated that there are over 20,000 women and girls held as sex slaves in Kamathipura, one of the world's oldest and largest red-light districts. Recruiters from brothels travel to the poorest and most remote villages in India, luring girls with promises of a job and lodging in the city. Upon arrival, the girls are isolated, tortured, and forced into prostitution. Most of them die of HIV or are thrown to the slum's filthy streets. The women who survive this ghastly treatment are often psychologically destroyed. Rarely is there a happy ending for those who are forced into this gruesome industry.


R.A. Dickey with Bombay Teen Challenge

  R.A. Dickey recently traveled to India with his family to continue raising awareness for the Bombay Teen Challenge. He arrived in Bombay in January and was immediately confronted by the grim reality of human trafficking. Seeing girls as young as his two daughters, 11-year old Gabriel and 9-year old Lila, who had to deal with the aftermath of kidnapping and forced prostitution was extremely upsetting. However, he also found hope in BTC's rescue efforts that have saved over 1,000 lives in the past 23 years. Dickey's daughters made the trip to India with their dad. He wanted to give his girls "a heart for humanity." Both Gabriel and Lila have responded positively to this trip, viewing the redemption of these "living miracles" as an important part of their lives.

  While in Bombay, Dickey and his daughters spent time at Ashagram. A rehabilitation campus, Ashagram is home to over 300 women and children cared for by BTC. The family spent the days playing cricket and singing songs with the children. Dickey, himself a victim of sexual abuse as a child, was deeply touched by the spirit shown by the shelter's youth. Although many of the children are HIV positive, they have hope for their future. This may be the key in the success of the Bombay Teen Challenge. As important as BTC's mission in providing food, healthcare, and shelter for sex trafficking victims is, hope is the most important thing they can give. In the words of Dickey, "this facility is like a beacon of light in the middle of a swamp."


  Dickey has since returned from India and is now a member of the Atlanta Braves. He has also published a memoir titled "Wherever I Wind Up." In the book, Dickey chronicles his childhood abuse, suicidal thoughts as a teenager, and his rise above his personal demons and physical injuries to become a top-level Major League Baseball pitcher. Dickey is hard-working, charitable, and has overcome difficult obstacles to be successful. We can safely call him a good sports role model for us all.

 

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R.A. DICKEY
"Wherever I Wind Up:
My Quest for Truth, Authenticity, and the Perfect Knuckleball
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